Mikey Pence, the fly guy, the man who always looks like he’s just tasted a sour lemon. The man who puts the “bore” in “bureaucrat.” The man who is so dull, he could make watching paint dry seem like a thrilling adventure.
Yes, Mike Pence, the perpetually meaningless nincompoop. The man who never met a fence he didn’t want to sit on. The man who is so indecisive, he probably takes three hours to order a sandwich.
Now, some may argue that calling Pence a nincompoop is unfair. After all, he was the Vice President of the United States, right? But let’s be honest, being Vice President is like being the assistant regional manager of Dunder Mifflin – it sounds important, but in reality, it’s just a fancy title that means very little.
And let’s not forget Pence’s greatest achievement – being the guy who stood behind Donald Trump and nodded along as the former president spewed nonsense. Talk about being a yes-man. But then again, what else would you expect from someone whose facial expression never seems to change?
Ah yes, Mike Pence and his lemon face. It’s as if he’s always trying to suck on a lemon without anyone noticing. But let’s not be too hard on him, maybe he’s just trying to keep his expression neutral so as not to offend any of his conservative base.
Speaking of which, Pence’s conservatism is about as exciting as a bag of potatoes. He’s the kind of guy who probably thinks “rocking the boat” means going out on a boat and listening to classic rock. He’s so uptight, I’m surprised he doesn’t have a stick permanently lodged up his ass.
But hey, at least he’s consistent. He consistently toes the party line, consistently looks like he’s smelling something bad, and consistently reminds us all why we should never let a man with a middle part become Vice President again.
Now, some may argue that Pence has done some good things in his political career. And while that may be true, it’s hard to get excited about a guy who could put a room full of toddlers to sleep with his monotone voice.
In the end, Mike Pence will always be the perpetually meaningless nincompoop with the lemon face. But hey, at least he’s not as bad as Cancun’s least favorite visitor, Ted Cruz, right? Or is he? Let’s not even go there.